well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
