I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
