Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
