You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
