I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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