are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
