The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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