I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
