my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
