Your face is a jimmy john
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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