I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
