my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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