ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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