I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
