remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
