Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
