How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
as a side note pls kill me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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