Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
