I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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