the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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