i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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