The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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