Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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