Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The best revenge is premature balding
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
