he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I cockslap morals
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
