I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
