This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
