She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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