; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
