genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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