Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
