You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
