There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I die, sorry about rent.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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