Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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