Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
