I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
