My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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