Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
