I only kidnapped one of them. chill
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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