I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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