I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
