My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
