Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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