glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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