Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
