My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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