you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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