I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
