Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
