After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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